Tour stop #9: first annual BSBF, Long Beach, Sept. 22. This being my first fair, I learned a lot about how to present the book to potential readers, what to bring, what not to bring, and so on. I sold a few books and had a lot of great conversations with the fair browsers. I also made a few more contacts with fellow LongBeach-based writers. A wonderful experience all around!
Tour stop #8: an author talk on a rainy night in Mexico City. I was hosted by Graeme Lowy, a Canadian graphic artist, at #Hashtag Gallery, his trendy, modern art gallery in the Condesa neighborhood.
As usual, it started with a talk and a reading, and continued with a Q&A, which lasted well into the evening, about adoption, but also borders, languages, cultures.
I find that the story clicks with the audience, no matter where I take it, and even if the audience is bilingual. That’s encouraging.
My essay about entering the empty-nesting stage of parenting appears in this week’s Jewish Journal, barely a few days after we dropped off our younger daughter at her campus. (And yes, that’s her in one of the photos, opening the door to her dorm, and to her future).
To me, parenting and spirituality are interwoven in that one informs the other: I attempt to bring what I learn from my religious and mindful practices into how I raise my kids, yet the experience of raising them has also taught me a great deal about wisdom and ethics. In that sense, my daughters have been my spiritual teachers. Now that this experience is taking on a new shape, I find myself adrift and searching for answers and comfort, which is what this essay is about.
I’ve been clutching to the idea that my kids would always live with me, that I would always direct and control their lives to their benefit, and be able to protect them from the dangers of this world. This would be . . . selfish as it would really primarily benefit me, prolonging the familiar and comfortable parent-child relationship we had when they were kids, rather than letting it evolve into a more mature bond between a parent and an adult child.
I’ve been clutching to the idea that my kids would always live with me, that I would always direct and control their lives to their benefit, and be able to protect them from the dangers of this world. This would be . . . selfish as it would really primarily benefit me, prolonging the familiar and comfortable parent-child relationship we had when they were kids, rather than letting it evolve into a more mature bond between a parent and an adult child. [. . .]
You can read the online version of the essay here. In the print edition, it takes up page 24 of the issue. Those of you who subscribe to my monthly Jewish mindfulness newsletter, Blessing the Sea, will recognize some of the reflections in the essay.
Tour stop #7. So meaningful to speak here as Idyllwild Library was such a big part of our kids’ routine since they were very small: storytimes, reading contests, hauling bags of books and movies home every week.
I actually wrote the bulk of the AFM draft here as well over several summers while the kids would be at the day camp nearby. Idyllwild is also featured present in the book, including the library itself.
Thank you, everyone who came and library staff, past and present, who hosted my talk!
Idyllwild Town Crier
Vo. 79, No. 31, p. B1
Thursday, August 1, 2024
Local Author to Speak of Foster to Adoption Journey
By David Jerome, Correspondent
Tuesday August 6, the Idyllwild Library will welcome local author Lane Igoudin, who is on a tour for his book A Family, Maybe. It chronicles the ‘twists, turns, and heartaches” along the path to adopting two foster daughters through LA county’s “overburdened and at times chaotic” child welfare system.
Igoudin and his husband have been living part-time in Idyllwild for almost 20 years, and parts of the story take place against familiar backdrops: the Nature Center, story time at the (old) library, the 4th of July Parade, Town Hall Camp. The book is both a memoir and a guide for foster parents wishing to adopt. Lane answered a few of the Crier‘s questions about his experience with the foster adoption process.
What do you wish you had known before the adoption process?
LI: I wish we had understood better how complex and unpredictable it is. Not that it would have scared us off from taking in the children, but it would have helped us to prepare ourselves better to manage it. The antidote to uncertainty is knowledge. You can learn from books, websites, experts, social media groups, adoptive parents in your community. This will give you the understanding and the tools you need to address the issues as they arise. That’s what we did, and it helped us make it through the most difficult parts of our journey.
Describe a little about the court process. You say prospective adoptive parents are not included, and these proceedings are not public?
LI: The intention of the process is to figure out what’s best for a child detained by the court, and, using another legal term, how to best dispose of their case – send the child back to their birth families, keep them in the foster system, terminate their parents’ rights so they could become eligible for adoption, and so on. . . The foster parents are generally treated as paid caretakers. The needs, responsibilities, and biases of each party to the case also fluctuate, which can make the outcome of the child’s case highly unpredictable.
Has the process changed for better or worse since your adoptions?
LI: Not much, unfortunately. Children’s Law Center of California reports that there are still over 25,000 kids in foster care in Los Angeles County alone. The legal framework is still the same, and the caseloads of social workers, judges, and attorneys remain high.
What changed in the last 10 years though is that the preference for birth family reunification has grown stronger, reflected in new federal and state laws that redirected some group home funding towards programs meant to strengthen birth families. That backfired in that there are now fewer homes available to take in foster kids, and some of them, as Los Angeles Times reported in a series of recent articles, the county is now placing in hotels.
Igoudin concludes, “This may sound like a lot to handle, but I still encourage prospective parents to consider fostering and adopting children. There is such tremendous need for children to find forever families. Even getting one child out of the system makes a world of difference. It’s worth the sacrifice.”
Lane Igoudin, author of A Family, Maybe, at the Idyllwild Public Library, 54401Village Center Dr., Tuesday, August 6, 5:30 p.m.
Four more stops have been added to A Family, Maybe book tour: Idyllwild (x2), Belmont Shore (LB), and Mexico City. Contact me for more details.
Glad to see my poem “Nothing Is Ever New,” reflecting on the recent riot at the synagogue Adas Torah and life in general in the post-October 7 world, published by California’s largest Jewish family newspaper. The acceptance of my piece by a publication serving largely an observant community tells me that no matter where we fit religiously and politically, issues like the rise of anti-Semitism and a growing tolerance of violence in the US concern all of us across the Jewish spectrum.
See the full text of the poem here.
Join meditation teacher and therapist Wendy Block and me for our special author talk / meditation / parenting workshop at the Santa Monica Meditation Center of Insight LA this Sunday, 7/21. InsightLA is the largest Western mindfulness organization in the region, and the event is both in-person and online. From my end, I’ll be focusing on the spiritual takeaways from our foster/adoptive parenting experience and parenting itself as a mindful, centering practice.
The event is part of my book tour for A Family, Maybe, and there will be books available for signing afterwards.
See more information here, and please don’t be discouraged by the “suggested donation” which benefits InsightLA. ‘Suggested’ = optional. It’s free to attend. Just come, and tell your friends!
Delighted to be interviewed by a popular book reviewer and podcast host Deirdre Pippins. To listen/watch the 25-minute interview, click here.
Podcast description from the Bookaholic website:
Lane Igoudin’s Adoption Journey: A Family, Maybe | LGBTQ+ Family Challenges”
Welcome to our latest episode featuring Lane Igoudin, the author of the heartfelt memoir A Family, Maybe. Join us as we dive into Lane and his husband’s emotional journey through the foster-to-adopt process in Los Angeles County. From legal battles to moments of pure joy, Lane’s story provides a unique and powerful perspective on the adoption system and its impact on LGBTQ+ families.
In this podcast/video, you will learn:
Click the screen to watch/listen.
Tour stop #6. It was so very meaningful to speak about my book in the neighborhood where our kids grew up and much of the story takes place.
Long Beach, our home for the last 25 years, has been kind and generous to us. Kind in its tolerant attitudes affirming all identities, and with its signature live-and-let-live lifestyle. Generous in providing an opportunity to establish a home, make friends, raise a family, and partake of its resources like schools, libraries, and Jewish communal institutions. And weather, what other place can beat it?
So in this talk, I focused not only on the foster-adoption and LGBTQ family angles of A Family, Maybe, but also on its local aspect, as in what makes it a Long Beach story, a story representative of local culture and communities.
We had a great turnout, and I was delighted to see many familiar faces in the crowd.
The event was part of this month’s Bixby Knolls’ First Fridays programming, so the evening progressed naturally from my talk and book signing into HSLB’s open house for the people streaming in from Atlantic Boulevard while strolling the First Fridays.
Unfortunately, the talk moderator, Gerrie Schipske, the two-time Long Beach City Councilmember and author, couldn’t make it due to a family emergency, but I am grateful to her for helping to produce this event.
Thank you, the Historical Society of Long Beach for hosting my book talk, Long Beach Living for profiling it among the weekly events, and Bixby Knolls BIA for helping to spread the word about the event.
Lane Igoudin | Author, Professor, Dad